Battleground

Here we go, now. Brace yourselves.

There they all stand, plumed and decorated.

Serrated smiles and jagged accoutrements, glinting in the dim, deliberate light.

Deep breath in, shaking, bare all my teeth in a jaggedy smile of my own.

Hope and Magic

The voice in my chest, deep beneath my flesh in the dark regions where the magic lies,

Tells me that the only irrevocable act here is death. From there there can be no tomorrow.

Yet from where I stand, it says, the world unfolds beneath my feet. Slowly, petal-slow, one at a time.

Focus

And somewhere in the middle of things,
Is the place to which you must navigate
when this and this and that and those
and those and those
emerge and arise without forewarning, and you cannot see
and they are solid, heavy.

They stir themselves, replete with your memories.

Solace

I think of you and I ache for the home I didn’t have
You and I, we don’t know one another.

But I find solace in the thought of you
And in the misery of this drifting, this endless maybe, you anchor me.

Again

It seems like we’re all unhappy at once
Each in our own little lives.
selfishly, I realise
that my chaos is just one of a variety.

If not actually together,
we share this experience of despair.

This makes it easier to forgive you
all of you
And to forgive me.
I am relieved.
For a moment I think I know compassion.

Loving you

You got out.

You got out and I’m so glad for you!

Before we were apart we were so close together.
You wanted me everywhere you were.

On being ready

Doing things has never been my forte.

Take this blog, for instance – I made it four years ago, but only started posting a few weeks ago!

As a perfectionist of the ‘crippled-by-what-ifs’ variety, I rarely attempt anything new voluntarily, unless I have some small guarantee that I will actually be able to do it. Reasonably well. On the first attempt. As you may have guessed, this precludes a great many new experiences!

This being said, I am heading overseas in April. By myself.

My imaginary audience

Now listen.

You were created by my hand alone.
I made you, I make you every day.

So why then aren’t you nicer, or on my side?

Your very existence depends upon me
And so why am I afraid, and not you?

I could make you turn cartwheels, fawn over me.
I could make you say things like ‘what shiny hair you have’
or ‘I endorse all of your opinions.’

To my friend, who helped me see

To my friend,

I’d like you to know that before you, I was fearful. My differences were frightening, saddening, I felt them as a prickly aura about me, as electricity on my skin.

They could not touch me, nor I them.

Realising

Today I stood on the cusp of all of my yesterdays, and found that my life was upside down. I laughed so hard, and with relief, I think, because I had woken up from my own madness; I finally saw the stark ridiculousness of the things that haunt me.